Being happy has a lot to do with what we expect from life and whether or not our expections are met in the life we've chosen. While there's nothing wrong with having expectations, I think a lot of us fall into the trap of feeling unhappy when we've had unrealistic expectations that can't possibly be met. We develop fantasies and are disappointed when our real lives fall short of them.
Take marriage and family life, for example. Both have been idealized in popular culture forever. We're presented with images of romantic marriage proposals, perfect, happy families in which the parents are always well groomed, the houses are tidy, meals are home-cooked and always ready on time and the children always well-behaved. No one is to blame for this, for these images are usually used to sell something, from box office tickets to detergent. Who would want to buy anything from a bedraggled parent with bedhead trying to wrangle two dirty kids into ratty snowsuits and out of the disaster zone that is their mortgaged-to-the-hilt home? Nobody in their right mind, that's who. And I bet most of us wouldn't include that particular scene in our fantasies either.
And yet, in that scene, there can be so much beauty: The parent has bedhead because she decided to make pancakes for breakfast and skip a shower; the kids look dirty because the frozen blueberries got on their hands while they were helping make the pancakes and those really stain; the house is a disaster because they played a great game of hide-and-seek the night before; the snowsuits are ratty because the parent is concerned for the environment and dresses her kids in hand-me-downs. OK, so maybe the kids are having a fight right now, or the parent is having a moment where she regrets not having showered or even having had kids, but that comes with the territory because it is not a fantasy, it is life.
Fantasies are fun. They can allow us to grow and acheive dreams and all that business. But they glean over most of the stuff real life is made of, because we're not encouraged to see the beauty in that stuff (which is why that stuff isn't used to sell...stuff).
If you find your life is falling short of your fantasies, stop and think about whether the problem is the fantasy or your life. If it's your life, then maybe think of ways to make it more like your fantasy in small ways. If it's your fantasy, then either lose it, or accept it for what it is: a lovely dream.
Why should you take my advice? I'm a pretty happy person and I often think part of the reason for that is that I had low expectations when I was young. A former colleague made me reaize that. She'd been one of these perfect kids who excelled at everything. She told me once that she'd been told for so many years growing up that she would be a future leader, that the world was her oyster, she could achieve anything yada yada yada. And while she was doing just fine in her life, she found that "just fine" wasn't what she'd been lead to expect, and she often felt like she'd somehow failed to attain the heights she'd been promised. Never having been promised I would achieve great things (not a complaint, btw, but I was more of a fly under the radar type of kid), I usually feel pretty pleased with the things I do achieve. I like that.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Yes, There Actually Are Stupid Questions (part 1)
In this age of Google, there is no excuse for asking a lesbian exactly how her biological children came into existence. Or a gay man. Can you imagine asking a heterosexual person the same question? “How did you conceive your kids? Were you in the missionary position?”
While there is nothing wrong with wondering about such topics if they are new to you, and while I personally have happily answered such questions repeatedly, I have to say such questions often leave me flustered due to their deeply personal nature. They usually come out of left field from someone I barely know. And I can’t help thinking, “Really? You live in this time and place and can’t even put forth a hypothesis or two as to how this could have happened?”
Before you ask any question that might be deeply personal, it’s a good idea to do a little research. 5 minutes on the Internet is all you really need to answer most of life’s questions. If you still want to ask the question, at least let it be known that you’ve looked into it yourself. This might be appreciated.
As for how children enter the lives of gays and lesbians, all it takes is a meeting between one sperm and one egg. How these entities are obtained, where and how the meeting occurred, when and how the children that spring from this meeting find their way into a same sex family can vary wildly.
Why should you take my advice? We can all benefit from coming across as a little smarter and more sensitive than we actually are.
While there is nothing wrong with wondering about such topics if they are new to you, and while I personally have happily answered such questions repeatedly, I have to say such questions often leave me flustered due to their deeply personal nature. They usually come out of left field from someone I barely know. And I can’t help thinking, “Really? You live in this time and place and can’t even put forth a hypothesis or two as to how this could have happened?”
Before you ask any question that might be deeply personal, it’s a good idea to do a little research. 5 minutes on the Internet is all you really need to answer most of life’s questions. If you still want to ask the question, at least let it be known that you’ve looked into it yourself. This might be appreciated.
As for how children enter the lives of gays and lesbians, all it takes is a meeting between one sperm and one egg. How these entities are obtained, where and how the meeting occurred, when and how the children that spring from this meeting find their way into a same sex family can vary wildly.
Why should you take my advice? We can all benefit from coming across as a little smarter and more sensitive than we actually are.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Learn About Personal Finances
It's easy to be intimidated by money stuff. Or bored. Not all of us are cut out for Bay Street. But we do all have to deal with money, like it or not, and the more you know about how to manage yours, the better. At the very least you'll be able to cross out "finances" off your list of things that freak you out.
There are lots of easily accessible books and websites that demystify the world of personal finances. There are also scads of people willing to help you out for free. Organizing your finances better can be as easy as jotting down some goals on paper and having an appointment with a financial adviser at your bank. Paying off a student loan, buying your first home, saving for a trip, being able to live within your means are all goals that might be more within your reach than you believe. This is especially true if you feel you don't have any extra money to play with. You might not need any extra--but you might just need to manage what little you do have a bit better.
Why should you take my advice? Years ago when I was young, broke and single, an adviser at my bank set me up with automatic contributions to the RSP that eventually bought the place we now own. My initial contribution to that RSP was $12 a week. $12! It was all I had, but it was something. We've also saved a lot of money via refinancing and consolidating loans and the help of a savvy advisor (whose services, I might add, are free to us).
There are lots of easily accessible books and websites that demystify the world of personal finances. There are also scads of people willing to help you out for free. Organizing your finances better can be as easy as jotting down some goals on paper and having an appointment with a financial adviser at your bank. Paying off a student loan, buying your first home, saving for a trip, being able to live within your means are all goals that might be more within your reach than you believe. This is especially true if you feel you don't have any extra money to play with. You might not need any extra--but you might just need to manage what little you do have a bit better.
Why should you take my advice? Years ago when I was young, broke and single, an adviser at my bank set me up with automatic contributions to the RSP that eventually bought the place we now own. My initial contribution to that RSP was $12 a week. $12! It was all I had, but it was something. We've also saved a lot of money via refinancing and consolidating loans and the help of a savvy advisor (whose services, I might add, are free to us).
Monday, January 4, 2010
Move On From Unrequited Love
Don’t get stuck in a rut if you like someone who doesn’t like you the way you like them. No amount of rationalizing or excuses will change that fact, nor will losing ten pounds or getting a haircut or buying a new outfit or changing yourself into what you think that person might want.
It is human nature to want what we can’t have (Garden of Eden ring a bell?). So don't beat yourself up for wanting someone who doesn’t want you. It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.
Your best shot at happiness? Move on. Tell yourself it’s just not meant to be. Focus on something or someone else. Then two things can happen:
1) Your feelings will eventually change, leaving room for you to channel that energy into more worthwhile causes (dating, an actually fulfilling relationship, work, your family, laundry, a hobby, saving the planet, ending world hunger...).
2) Your ex-crush will realize you’ve moved on and see you in a new light: aloof, independent, cool, confident. And having made yourself unavailable, you will move from being a can have to a can’t have, and possibly become oddly desirable.
Why should you take my advice? You can’t lose. Moving on is actually the only course of action in this situation that can lead to happiness.
It is human nature to want what we can’t have (Garden of Eden ring a bell?). So don't beat yourself up for wanting someone who doesn’t want you. It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.
Your best shot at happiness? Move on. Tell yourself it’s just not meant to be. Focus on something or someone else. Then two things can happen:
1) Your feelings will eventually change, leaving room for you to channel that energy into more worthwhile causes (dating, an actually fulfilling relationship, work, your family, laundry, a hobby, saving the planet, ending world hunger...).
2) Your ex-crush will realize you’ve moved on and see you in a new light: aloof, independent, cool, confident. And having made yourself unavailable, you will move from being a can have to a can’t have, and possibly become oddly desirable.
Why should you take my advice? You can’t lose. Moving on is actually the only course of action in this situation that can lead to happiness.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Don't Go Through Winter Without This
Oil of Oregano. It's an essential oil. It has so many uses I wouldn't know where to start, but mostly it is an excellent anti-viral. You can buy it in pharmacies and health food stores and the pamphlet will tell you everything it does.
Why should you take my advice? I've been using since September to ward off colds and also accidently discovered that it literally wipes out my garlic breath. What more can I say?
Why should you take my advice? I've been using since September to ward off colds and also accidently discovered that it literally wipes out my garlic breath. What more can I say?
Leggings Are Not Pants
They just aren't. They must be worn with a top that at the very least covers your ass.
Why should you take my advice? Just trust me on this one.
Why should you take my advice? Just trust me on this one.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Consider Natural Childbirth
At least consider it. A vaginal birth without an epidural is healthy and desirable for both the baby and the mother.
Doctors don't always support the idea of natural childbirth. It is up to you to seek out alternative opinions by reading books, consulting web sites and speaking to birth professionals like midwives and doulas or with a doctor who supports natural childbirth. Remember that birth is a natural process that your body is meant to be able to undergo without much assistance, and then make your decision about the kind of birth you want from this understanding.
If you decide to have natural childbirth, work with a midwife or a doula. This will not undermine the role of your life partner if you have one.
If natural childbirth isn't advisable for some reason, it's still worthwhile to inform yourself about possible different approaches to your birth. A doula can be a wonderful source of support during pregnancy and birth even if you undergo a c-section or need to have another kind of intervention during your birth, for example.
Why should you take my advice? Both my partner and I had fully natural births and we did a lot of research to prepare for our births. We worked with doulas, midwives, and doctors. We considered birthing centers, a home birth, and ultimately both gave birth naturally in hospitals despite some small potential and actual complications (fibroids in one case, low-lying placenta in the other). And yes, it is painful. Very, very painful. But you get through it, and you get over it, especially if you have an experienced professional with you to reassure you the pain is normal, and that everything is OK. My partner, I must add, gave birth naturally with pitocin. It is possible.
A great resource to start with: www.mothering.com
Doctors don't always support the idea of natural childbirth. It is up to you to seek out alternative opinions by reading books, consulting web sites and speaking to birth professionals like midwives and doulas or with a doctor who supports natural childbirth. Remember that birth is a natural process that your body is meant to be able to undergo without much assistance, and then make your decision about the kind of birth you want from this understanding.
If you decide to have natural childbirth, work with a midwife or a doula. This will not undermine the role of your life partner if you have one.
If natural childbirth isn't advisable for some reason, it's still worthwhile to inform yourself about possible different approaches to your birth. A doula can be a wonderful source of support during pregnancy and birth even if you undergo a c-section or need to have another kind of intervention during your birth, for example.
Why should you take my advice? Both my partner and I had fully natural births and we did a lot of research to prepare for our births. We worked with doulas, midwives, and doctors. We considered birthing centers, a home birth, and ultimately both gave birth naturally in hospitals despite some small potential and actual complications (fibroids in one case, low-lying placenta in the other). And yes, it is painful. Very, very painful. But you get through it, and you get over it, especially if you have an experienced professional with you to reassure you the pain is normal, and that everything is OK. My partner, I must add, gave birth naturally with pitocin. It is possible.
A great resource to start with: www.mothering.com
Don’t underestimate the power of blood sugar
You’d be amazed how many problems in life can be blamed on blood sugar fluctuations. Blood sugar dips and spikes can feel really bad to little kids, and are often the root of temper tantrums, as little kids can’t identify why they feel bad. To a teenager or adult, blood sugar fluctuations can lead to headaches, migraines, inability to focus, rapid pulse, crankiness. For women, hormone fluctuations can affect blood sugar, which is why a lot of us get migraines and headaches around our periods.
Carbohydrates, especially refined, can cause blood sugar fluctuations when you eat more than your body needs. Protein has the least effect on blood sugar levels. The best way to keep blood sugar stable is to eat regular meals and snacks throughout the day; those meals and snack should be more protein-based than carb-based. This is especially true of breakfast, the first meal after a long fast, and for little kids in that witching hour just before dinner. A little protein can go a long way.
Why should you take my advice? After a lifetime of enduring headaches and migraines(yes, a lifetime—I had them as a child), a naturopath set me straight and taught me how to eat better. I’m happy to report I have been migraine-free for a decade. I try to eat protein at every meal, or for snacks if that's not possible.
If you find you or your kids are struggling with headaches or migraines and you are having trouble identifying the cause, I urge you to cut out sugar, reduce carbs, increase your protein intake, and eat regularly. Never skip meals.
This advice is purely based on my own experience. I have no medical expertise. A simple Google search will turn up lots of information about blood sugar and its effect on health.
What To Eat?
It’s hard to get out of habits and ruts with food, especially with kids. Here are a few ideas for adding protein to meals, for kids and grown-ups.
Eggs—I always keep hard-boiled eggs in the fridge for easy snacks and meals. For myself, I add them to salads and sandwiches. Eggs can be a hard sell for kids. Our older son hates yolks but likes hard-boiled egg whites for breakfast, scrambled eggs and omelettes. He is also fond of French toast, which I make by soaking a piece of whole-grain bread in a mixture of egg, soy milk, vanilla and cinnamon, then toasting in a non-stick skillet. Egg salad (I mash up hard-boiled eggs with mayonnaise and a bit of sweet relish) makes great sandwiches. If your kids really hate eggs, slip some uncooked egg white into hot oatmeal and mixed it up until the egg is cooked. Never consume raw egg whites (salmonella).
Spreads and dips—Tofu spreads, hummus, black bean, egg salad are great spread on toast, crackers, and for dipping veggies. For a sweet spread, a bit of soy or dairy yogurt mixed with a bit of peanut butter is great for dipping apple and pear slices.
Protein powder—No, not the macho kind athletes use. We use one that we get at the health food store which is just rice protein. It’s recommended for kids with soy and milk allergies. We add it to soy and rice milk to drink, to hot and cold cereal and apple sauce when a little protein boost is needed.
Nuts—I carry little bags of almonds around and snack on them when I’m on the go.
Carbohydrates, especially refined, can cause blood sugar fluctuations when you eat more than your body needs. Protein has the least effect on blood sugar levels. The best way to keep blood sugar stable is to eat regular meals and snacks throughout the day; those meals and snack should be more protein-based than carb-based. This is especially true of breakfast, the first meal after a long fast, and for little kids in that witching hour just before dinner. A little protein can go a long way.
Why should you take my advice? After a lifetime of enduring headaches and migraines(yes, a lifetime—I had them as a child), a naturopath set me straight and taught me how to eat better. I’m happy to report I have been migraine-free for a decade. I try to eat protein at every meal, or for snacks if that's not possible.
If you find you or your kids are struggling with headaches or migraines and you are having trouble identifying the cause, I urge you to cut out sugar, reduce carbs, increase your protein intake, and eat regularly. Never skip meals.
This advice is purely based on my own experience. I have no medical expertise. A simple Google search will turn up lots of information about blood sugar and its effect on health.
What To Eat?
It’s hard to get out of habits and ruts with food, especially with kids. Here are a few ideas for adding protein to meals, for kids and grown-ups.
Eggs—I always keep hard-boiled eggs in the fridge for easy snacks and meals. For myself, I add them to salads and sandwiches. Eggs can be a hard sell for kids. Our older son hates yolks but likes hard-boiled egg whites for breakfast, scrambled eggs and omelettes. He is also fond of French toast, which I make by soaking a piece of whole-grain bread in a mixture of egg, soy milk, vanilla and cinnamon, then toasting in a non-stick skillet. Egg salad (I mash up hard-boiled eggs with mayonnaise and a bit of sweet relish) makes great sandwiches. If your kids really hate eggs, slip some uncooked egg white into hot oatmeal and mixed it up until the egg is cooked. Never consume raw egg whites (salmonella).
Spreads and dips—Tofu spreads, hummus, black bean, egg salad are great spread on toast, crackers, and for dipping veggies. For a sweet spread, a bit of soy or dairy yogurt mixed with a bit of peanut butter is great for dipping apple and pear slices.
Protein powder—No, not the macho kind athletes use. We use one that we get at the health food store which is just rice protein. It’s recommended for kids with soy and milk allergies. We add it to soy and rice milk to drink, to hot and cold cereal and apple sauce when a little protein boost is needed.
Nuts—I carry little bags of almonds around and snack on them when I’m on the go.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Learn to be a better listener
One of the reasons I wanted to start this blog is that I continuously strive to be a better listener. This is no easy feat for me, as I am opinionated, like the sound of my own voice, and like to share things I've learned with others. These are not bad qualities, per se, but I noticed in my thirties that they in fact contributed to my being a poor listener. In my haste to share my experience and impart my wisdom, I often found myself cutting people off and being more focused on mining my memory for suitable material to contribute to the conversation than the actual conversation. When I played back these conversations in my mind, I realized what that must have sounded like to the other person, and how that must have felt. I can't tell you why this realization came to me at that point and why I chose to do something about it. Maybe a comment from a friend, or perhaps I'd gone through enough therapy to gain some insight. I don't remember. I think I did become a better listener. I could still improve. Sometimes I slip, and I start rattling off advice. And it is good advice, mostly. But how appealing is that? People have conversations for all sorts of reasons, and I don't think most of us enter conversations in hope of having unsolicited advice foisted upon us. That's why I'm creating this blog. All that wasted advice will find its way here. And I will continue to grow as a listener, friend, spouse and parent. And you will get some good advice.
Welcome!
Welcome to Unsolicited Advice.
This blog is a platform for me to share random bits of advice with perfect strangers. It is also the product of a New Year's resolution, so we'll see how long it lasts. Thanks for stopping by.
This blog is a platform for me to share random bits of advice with perfect strangers. It is also the product of a New Year's resolution, so we'll see how long it lasts. Thanks for stopping by.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)